By Barbara Kivowitz

As her birthday approached, she became smaller. Her body deflated and her thinking became more chiseled. Mostly nouns and verbs, no context or flowers. We sat at the window table in the fancy tea salon – sparkling white linen tablecloth, sparkling spoons and forks, sparkling array of obsidian and sapphire and emerald cakes and twisted golden marzipan sculptures on a slowly rotating tiered carousel.  She sunk down in her seat so her eye level met the 3rd button of my shirt.  I asked her, “So how does it feel to turn 90?” Her face slowly melted into a wet porridge of sneer and desperation. She mumbled, “How do you think?” I leaned forward and considered touching her arm but instead grabbed a pig shaped marzipan cookie. I chewed slowly, letting the sugar dominate. She reached for a golden eclair encased in a veneer of chocolate lacquer. She pulled her hand back before her spindly fingers made contact. She replaced her hand in her lap. Her other hand lifted the sparkling linen napkin from her lap and began to gently wipe the corners of her mouth as if she were brushing away the crumbs of the uneaten eclair. Each gentle dab of the napkin removed a particle of her red lipstick until her lips contracted to the size of a tiny pillow.

                                                                     *   *   *

Barbara Kivowitz started writing when she developed a chronic pain condition and discovered that journaling was the only time she felt no pain. She is largely recovered from the pain and is still writing. She and her coauthor wrote “Love in the Time of Chronic Illness: How to Fight the Sickness Not Each Other,” a guide for patient/caregiver partners. She has published essays, creative nonfiction, and prose poems in journals and popular magazines. She is a retired comparative literature teacher (and speaks five languages), social worker, innovation researcher, strategy consultant, and is currently an advocate for bringing the voices of patients and families into all aspects of healthcare policy, education, and practice. She lives with her husband in San Francisco and in the Sierra Foothills where she hikes, swims, and keeps an eye out for mountain lions.