
By Paul Moffett
I was only supposed to feed the cat.
Martin asked me to check in on his apartment over the weekend. Feed his cat, water his plants. Check for robbers under the bed, I guess.
Now, Martin makes good coffee. That’s the thing you have to know about Martin. And he won’t tell anyone how. He just smiles in a Martinesque way. Smug.
So probably I shouldn’t have done it. But I was there and he wasn’t. I snooped.
He had a brand of coffee beans I’d seen but never bought. Whole beans and a grinder. And he had a French press, not a drip machine or anything.
I made coffee.
It was good. Pretty good. Better than I normally make. But it wasn’t Martin’s coffee. I mean, literally it was Martin’s coffee. But it wasn’t. I left my coffee cup on the kitchen table while I took a short bathroom break.
I was washing my hands when I heard the smash.
When I got back to the kitchen I saw what had happened. The cat had spotted its chance while I was gone, and jumped onto the table. It had pushed my still-half-full coffee mug onto the floor, because cats hate glassware for some reason. The mug had shattered, coffee was splattered up the tablecloth, and the floor was covered in broken glass, coffee, and cat footprints.
I knew the tablecloth would stain if I didn’t get it into the washing machine. Martin’s washing machine is in a little alcove right off of the kitchen. It’s one of those vertical washing-machine-dryer-stacked-on-top-of-each-other deals. There was stain remover sitting on top of the dryer, so I rubbed a little bit onto the spot, and threw the tablecloth in the washing machine, set on cold. Then I entertained myself by sweeping up glass and mopping up coffee.
But the washing machine must have been off-kilter. It sounded like a kid whose parents now regretted buying him a drum kit. I opened the machine and readjusted the tablecloth, but nothing I could do would make the banging stop so I just let it go on and tried to enjoy it. I made up a song to go with the beat.
Sweeping up glass. Mopping too!
Maybe you had to hear it with the beat.
I mopped up the spilled coffee. You have to deal with liquids first. Then I swept up the glass, put it in a garbage bag and carried it to the curb. The broken glass tore the bag a little, and it made a trail of coffee and grounds all the way out the door.
When I got back inside, the washing machine was doing more than banging. It was shaking wildly, and the shaking made the machine dance across the floor. The beat wasn’t that good. While I’d been outside the machine had moved across the room, and it was now flush against the oven. The detergent that Martin kept on top of the machine had fallen off and spilled all over the floor. And there was something else, that just looked like dirt.
Yes. There had been a bag of literal dirt on top of the dryer, as well as five or six planters. Who on earth keeps dirt on a washing machine?
Gardeners, maybe.
The dirt had spilled off the machine and the floor was covered in a mix of dirt and powdered soap. The washing machine was at least two feet from the closet where it belonged, and there were new coffee footprints on the floor—both cat and human.
I went to the hallway closet to get a broom and a vacuum to clean up all the dirt. As I vacuumed it up, though, I noticed that the vacuum was getting less and less powerful. The bag must have been full. I opened the vacuum cleaner, pulled out the bag, and threw the whole thing into a new garbage bag, which was already half full of dirt and soap and broken plastic planters. I searched the closet for a replacement vacuum bag, but found nothing. I couldn’t clean up all this dirt and soap with just a broom, so I decided to go to the store and buy Martin some vacuum cleaner bags. No problem. It was the least I could do.
But I was so distracted by all this mess that I forgot to close the hallway door when I left. It’s supposed to be an airlock to keep the cat inside. Martin told me that. And sure enough, as I opened the front door on my triumphant return with vacuum bags the cat trotted smugly out of the apartment. It learned that smile from Martin.
I ran inside just long enough to grab a bag of treats and then I was out the door again, after the cat.
It was pointless. That thing was gone. I walked around Martin’s neighbourhood for more than an hour. I knocked on neighbours’ doors. There was no sign of the stupid animal. Eventually I gave up and I went back to Martin’s apartment.
I vacuumed up the dirt and soap, and started to push the washing machine back to where it lived. That’s when I noticed that the dirt hadn’t just spilled out into the kitchen; it had spilled into the washing machine alcove. To get the washing machine back I would have to clean up all the dirt behind its closet home.
Fine.
I squeezed myself into the closet, but I couldn’t see anything. I searched in Martin’s cupboards and closets for a flashlight, but all I could find were a few taper candles and matches. They would have to do.
I lit a candle and grabbed the vacuum to clean the dirt off the floor. I couldn’t turn around without banging the vacuum hose into the dryer duct or the wall, and I didn’t have anywhere to stand that wasn’t on top of dirt. There were a few soap pods back here, whether from today or lost from long ago I didn’t know, and I accidentally stepped on one, and now the dirt was mixed with liquid soap, which did not make anything cleaner.
I reached for the broom.
As I did, I knocked over the vacuum hose, which crashed into the foil dryer duct, tearing it. Dryer lint shot out of the duct and into the flame of the nearby candle. It ignited instantly.
Flying lint-balls sailed through the air. Some of the flaming lint settled in my hair. I screamed, slapped my own head, and jumped backward. My elbow went through the drywall. The flaming lint set off the fire alarm, which started blaring.
Sore, singed, and covered in dirt, plaster, soap, lint, and ash, I climbed out from behind the washing machine and ran to the smoke detector. Part of the flaming lint landed on the kitchen table, on a small pile of mail, which caught fire. It went out quickly, but the table was charred and smoking.
It was probably just flyers.
I took the broom handle and banged on the smoke detector until it stopped singing its song.
As I waited for the literal smoke to clear, I stepped outside and sat on Martin’s front step, and took stock. The floor was covered in dirty soapy footprints, the washing machine was in the middle of the kitchen, the air smelled of smoke, the table was burnt, the dryer duct was broken, there was a hole in the drywall, and one of Martin’s mugs was broken.
I sat on the step, trying to pinpoint where exactly I had gone wrong.
As I rested my head in my hands and breathed in the fresh cool air, I felt a soft warm something pushing against my arm. Martin’s cat crawled into my lap, curled up, and lay down. I stroked her soft grey fur, and she started purring.
I sent a text.
“Martin. Don’t worry about your apartment. Everything is going to be fine.”
* * *
Paul Moffett is a writer and teacher whose fiction appears in Agnes & True, Flights from the Rock (Engen), and The Lowestoft Chronicle. His poetry appears in RiddleFence, and he was the winner of their poetry contest. He lives in St. John’s, NL with his wife, two children, and a beagle.