By Pam Avoledo

Because Douglas likes to try different specialty beers, we go to breweries when we travel. Because Douglas likes baseball, we attend six games a year. Because Douglas retches in my father’s boat, we no longer sail on Sunday afternoons. Because Douglas likes being over me, moaning, his sweat dripping onto my breasts. I stay underneath him. Because Douglas says marriage is only when we are very, very serious. Because Douglas leaves his shit-stained towels on the floor. Because Douglas won’t flush his vomit in the bowl.  Because Douglas sneaks off into the kitchen, his phone in hand, typing when a notification goes off. Because Douglas kisses me on the cheek and says he loves me. Because Douglas talks only when needs to – can you hand me the cup, I’m going to be late tonight, what did my mom have to say? Because Douglas sleeps in the guest bedroom every other night. Because Douglas keeps liking another girl’s posts. Because Douglas says not to worry. Because Douglas won’t let me finish my own sentences.  Because. Because. Because. Because it shouldn’t be like this. Because I shouldn’t live like this. I don’t want this. I don’t think I ever have. I need a key. I need a plan. I need to go.

*   *   *

Pam Avoledo’s work can be found at pamavoledo.com