
By Jenny Severyn
Andi has, laboriously, reassembled her life into rituals. Like a conscientiously laid brick, each minute slots into each day to sire a citadel of comforting predictability, and it is by this routine that she advances.
Fridays are her favorite. After twenty minutes of gentle yoga from a YouTube tutorial, she indulges in two runny eggs and two slices of whole grain toast with blueberry jam. Most of the week, she eats cinnamon raisin oatmeal for her cholesterol, a meal she once thought bland but now appreciates. Then, with a cup of tea in hand, she settles into her mother’s armchair and talks on the phone with Kerry, same as she has the last seven years’ worth of Fridays.
Today, though, Kerry rings at minute sixteen of yoga.
“I can’t talk long today,” Kerry says post-pleasantries. Andi lingers on her mat and stares at the instructor’s child’s pose on the television. “We’re going to Natalie’s soon. She’s had a miscarriage.”
“Oh,” Andi says. Kerry always delivers news so blasély. Abruptly. “I didn’t know she was pregnant.”
“We didn’t either.”
“I’m sorry about Natalie. Is she doing okay?”
“Oh, she’ll be fine,” Kerry dismisses, ever even keeled. Andi’s never certain what that even keel masks, or if it’s masking anything at all. “She’ll get through it. I had a miscarriage before Natalie was born. Lots of women do.”
Andi can’t remember if Kerry has shared her own miscarriage before, a memory lapse that inspires guilt, though she reassures herself that it’s her friend’s persistently unfazed demeanor that’s confused her. Kerry’s tricky, never letting on when her words warrant greater attention. Is this a protective skill Kerry’s honed over her lifetime, or is it authentic impregnability? Andi isn’t sure.
She tells Kerry she’s sorry again and the phone call ends. Andi looks at the whitewashed shiplap behind the yoga instructor and decides to scrap the rest of her session. She eats her eggs and toast with little enthusiasm. As she rinses yolk and jam from her plate, she watches her husband Ted watering the backyard pansies and geraniums, one fist on his hip as he observes a robin hopping through the lawn. He’s smiling.
Ted’s a good man. He doesn’t do routines. And maybe that’s good for Andi, she thinks, to have someone so differently built. She settles into her mother’s high-back armchair and imagines a whiff of Mom’s perfume pluming from the disturbed cushion. Stiff, she caresses the velvet. And it’s a peculiar feeling drafting up as she thinks how she will never guide her own daughter through a miscarriage. The feeling isn’t jealousy—certainly not—nor is it that nameless sense of missing what she never had, because she doesn’t want that experience. Maybe it’s not even a feeling in its own right: more so an observation.
A macabre observation that’s stoked those macabre embers that simmer eternal a touch below her awareness: Kacy is dead.
But if the church bereavement group has taught her anything, it’s that she doesn’t have to label, analyze, or wrangle this feeling. She can simply sit with it. She can sit with this feeling alone in her mother’s armchair, or across from Ted in a vinyl IHOP booth as they study the overfamiliar menu in tempered silence, or in a cold metal folding chair in the church undercroft, staring vacantly at the old peeling flyers on the bulletin board, trapped as thrice-divorced Molly cries over her first husband for the fourth week in a row.
Yes, Andi can sit with this feeling and allow it to happen without consequence. To float inside her, then float away, like a cloud that passes over the horizon. This feeling don’t require deconstruction.
The mantel clock tells her that her next ritual is overdue. She fetches a fresh dust cloth and opens the curio cabinet that stores her teapot collection, which started with the porcelain tea set she played with as a child. The undersized pot, hand-painted with delicate yet decadent roses, claims a central spot in her cabinet, alongside a novelty teapot fashioned like an elegant hexagonal birdhouse and her luxurious Victorian-style Christmas Fitz and Floyd.
Ted tromps in from the garden. He peels off his shoes and kisses her cheek.
“But when I’m gone, who will inherit my teapots?” she wants to ask. The unbidden question arises placidly at first, a wispy breath in frigid air—then it suddenly surges and bucks in her throat, desperate, thrashing, splintering—and then, at the last, she bridles it and smothers. She’s asked the question many times to varied answers, all unsatisfying. Nothing new will come of asking it now. Nothing new, and nothing good.
So, Andi smiles. Andi kisses Ted’s cheek. Andi implements the triangle breathing method she learned from a yoga video. Andi dusts the teapots. Andi advances.
* * *
Jenny Severyn lives in Ohio with her husband. She holds a BA in English from Loyola University Chicago and an MS in library and information science from Simmons University. Her work has appeared in Apricity Press, flashglass, Eunoia Review, and Litbreak.








