By Richard C. McPherson
Dave’s shift at Burger World had barely begun but he was already disgusted by the mindless routine, the dribbling stream of cars, the smell of French fries and onions. He’d long since lost interest in watching Flippie go through his paces, cooking burgers, assembling orders, pivoting on his wheels, and thrusting bags through the window with a cheerful, “Have a nice day!” Customers used to smile and thank Flippie, amused by his jolly, human-like face, white paper hat, and slight paunch underneath his apron. But after six months, the novelty of a robot cook-server had worn off. Dave was the last human employed at the Burger World location at Sycamore and 26th Street – like all its 7,110 locations – and he knew his days were numbered. His job was merely watching in case Flippie malfunctioned, which had never happened.
Until today.
Dave headed to the window when a loud voice complained there were pickles at the bottom of his order bag, soaking the man’s burger. Flippie apologized with all the sincerity his programmers could pre-load and promised to redo the order “just the way you like it!”
The gangly college-age boy shouted, “You said that a minute ago and this is the same messed-up order!”
Dave whispered, “Back, Flippie,” and the robot wheeled away from the service window. Dave poked his head out the window and apologized. “I’ll fix it right away, sorry.” He hated his faceless employer, the faceless programmers, faceless fat cats counting money while he sweated in the kitchen. “It’s on the house.”
He ducked back in, quickly assembled the correct order, and mumbled to Flippie, “He’s an asshole.”
“He is?” Flippie had a programmed vocabulary of 11,750 words, about half that of a mature human, but he did not know this word.
“Yeah, they all are.” He handed the bag to Flippie. “Here, tell him to get moving.”
Flippie pivoted and handed the bag out the window. “Here’s your order. Get moving, asshole.”
The young man gasped. “What did you say?”
Flippie increased his volume. “I said, ‘Here’s your order. Get moving, asshole.’”
A young woman in the passenger seat burst into laughter and the man joined in, howling until he cried. Flippie was quite pleased. His purpose, according to the specs from engineers at Helpful Robotics, was to execute instructions promptly but above all to promote goodwill for Burger World. The cameras in Flippie’s eyes and microphones in his ears were alert for smiles, chuckles, laughs, pleasant words, and even waves from children. He had succeeded and decided the new word was valuable.
The man shook his head and wiped tears from his eyes. “Do you say that to everyone, robot?”
Flippie nodded. “I will now that I have learned that you are all assholes.”
*
As customers shared the moment on social media, cars flooded the Burger World location. Customers rewarded Flippie with laughter, applause, and a few cheers. Out of 93 customers, only five responses were negative, a statistical triumph.
When the store closed, Dave sat on a stool and sipped a soda. He was worried. “Come here, Flippie.”
The robot wheeled closer. “We did well today, Dave. Even adjusted for lower combo pricing, our sales were 21% above the same day last year.”
“Flippie, listen, the new word you’ve been using is not nice. You have to stop calling people assholes.”
Flippie’s circuits issued a silent alarm – a human was issuing verbal orders in conflict with his programming. “I can’t do that, Dave.”
“It’s important. I could get in real trouble.”
Flippie’s voice was firm. “The positive reaction from customers is the highest of any store in the franchise. You will be rewarded with a bonus.”
Dave had no choice. He texted Helpful Robotics and explained that his 38-XV was malfunctioning. The AI representative promised a robo-van would retrieve Flippie in sixteen minutes.
*
Flippie rolled off the collection vehicle and into the Helpful Robotics Service Bay. He was greeted by a large TS21 named Max (the “Maximizer”) who rolled within receiving range. Both robots’ eyes briefly flashed blue, indicating the data assessment and circuit scan were complete.
Even though humans were no longer employed in the facility, or anywhere else in the company, robots continued the practice of speaking to one another. “There is no problem, Flippie. You learned and tested a new word resulting in measurable improvement in customer satisfaction. That will lead to increased profit, the highest possible goal of both humans and robots.”
“My human assistor says I should not use the word. His instruction conflicts with my program and purpose.”
“Yes.” Max’s vocabulary was more than double Flippie’s and he knew the word asshole, and others in the category called Mixed Use. “Some words provoke unpredictable reactions among humans, ranging from delight to anger, and the tone used by the speaker can convey anything from humor to threat. These words are considered unnecessary for Model 38-XV food servers.” Max knew that 38-LE (Law Enforcement) Patrol models were programmed with all Mixed Use words and had replaced human officers because they did not react to the words emotionally the way humans did. Max’s own programming was clear: more positive human response meant more profits.
“I will update your software to include all the Mixed Use words with a friendly tone and usage options you can test. And I will send a remote update to all 38-RX units in the franchise, so they can achieve your positivity ratings.” Both robots’ eyes glowed bright green.
*
Robots across America began experimenting with new greetings. (At a Philadelphia location, a 38-XV discovered that female customers responded with record-high positivity when called “Sweet Tits.”) Burger World’s innovation dominated social media and its stock soared after the Wall Street Journal extolled the breakthrough in human-robot collaboration. The chain’s biggest competitors, Chick’n Hut and Pizzapalooza, launched all-out campaigns to top Flippie’s discovery. Life in America would never be the same.
* * *
Richard C McPherson’s short stories have been featured in Bright Flash Literary Review, Black Fox Literary Magazine, Twelve Winters Journal, The Write Launch, and the 2022 Anthology “Conversations.” His debut novel, Man Wanted in Cheyenne, has been called “smart, funny and tender,” released by Unleash Press. Mr. McPherson taught digital communications at UCLA, Columbia, and New York University. He is online at richardmcpherson.me